Tuesday, 29 October 2013

The Divorce: Part 4

For me, that year was the worst.  A lot of emotions ran through me each day, some more than I could handle. This awkward state in the middle was horrible, knowing that my parents probably wouldn't get back together, but still having the bond of marriage. It was like this thin thread of hope I still had, but one that was likely to snap.

One day my mum and dad sat me and my brother down and told us what we were waiting to hear. 

They were going to definitely get divorced.

I wasn't really sure how to feel at that moment. For a start, I wasn't shocked, because it was bound to happen in our situation. But I was sad. Very sad, and disappointed. My parents were definitely, and finally separated. I don't like the word divorced, it makes it sound a lot worse, and in terms of law etc. I wasn't totally fine with it, but the majority of me was. 

And that was it, the end of their relationship. After 26 years of knowing eachother, it was over. It felt almost good to say something final. It wasn't, 'My parents are living apart for now', which led my friends to say, 'Aw I hope they get back together'. It was a simple fact, that up till now I am ok with. They are still my parents, and even though they are not together, they will support me no less.

So always remember that. And even though I'm frustrated with them for bringing this on our family, I would rather this happen then them living a fake relationship.

That's the bulk of my story, and I hope it helped those out there who may be going through the same. Hopefully now I can continue to write shorter posts, about my hobbies, likes and dislikes!

Have a good day <3

Love Sian xox

Sunday, 27 October 2013

School Life (1): Part 3 | 27/10/13

So today I wanted to talk about how the situation at home affected my life at school. At first it didn't to be honest, it was more an escape from home life, and a great time to spend time with my friends. The only thing that affected me, and still does today, was the work. At that time I was having end of year exams, and the work was piling up massively. Everything was fine when I stayed at home with my mum, but when it came to weekends with my dad things got tricky. I had to drag bags and bags of work and revision back and forth, and face the risk of leaving something at home. 

At school, the whole situation started affecting my feelings. I started feeling really low after lunch, would go home sad for no obvious reason.

I've never been one to draw attention to myself, so when I was feeling low I would make sure no one would notice, and I would act as normal as possible. If someone did ask, I would simply say 'Oh I'm just tired' or 'Oh, I'm just bored'. This usually cleared up the situation, and it worked for a long time. Holding my emotions in got harder and  harder, and my low feelings sometimes led to crying after school. I still had no specific reason, it just came out. 

Love Sian xox 

Friday, 25 October 2013

The Past Year: Part 2 | 25/10/13

So now my parents were living apart, life changed very quickly. There was a lot of tension between my parents, so when they did happen to see each other at home, it would result in a full-blown argument. This resulted in my brother and I leaving the house, because the sound of their shouting was unbearable. It's never easy to see your parents fighting like that, but you just have to ignore them, because fundamentally, it is their problem.

We also started having every other weekend with my father. It was a strange feeling, seeing him in his new flat, all alone, but he kept a brave face on for us. It was also a hassle because of packing all my school work up at the weekend to take to his. But over time, I got used to it.

At this stage, I still had some hope that my parents would get back together. I mean, they hadn't got divorced or anything, they were just 'separated'. They would argue, and fight, but still try and sort things out. But that usually led to more arguing and fighting.

And when your parents know they are letting you down, they tend to become more weak, and sad a lot more often. Sometimes my mother shout at me all day, and then come up to my room and cry.  It stopped after a while, and I saw this as a sign of things getting better, or moving on. 

Another thing that parents frequently do, is say 'If you ever want to chat, you know I'm here'. Now this is awkward for so many reasons. I know they want to check if you're ok, but why should I complain about my mother and father, to them! I mean, I can't properly tell you everything I feel, it's very patronising. Luckily, I have my best friend who I tell everything to, so I didn't feel the need to tell my mum.

So over time, the tension grew and grew, to the point when my brother and I felt awkward just saying my father's name with my mother, and vice versa. I felt like I was always walking on eggshells. I never knew when I was crossing boundaries.

I just had to remember that this wasn't my problem. Just because I was there a lot of the time, and these were my parents, I couldn't do anything to help it. And that was very frustrating. And it got even more frustrating, when this situation started to effect me in other places.

Love Sian xox 

Thursday, 24 October 2013

The Past Year: Part 1 | 24/10/13

As I mentioned in my previous post, I have been through a lot in the past year. Just before I start explaining, I know lot's of people are going through things far worse than me, and I am in no way pitying myself, solely telling you what I feel and have learnt from what's happened.

February last year, my parents sat my brother and I down to 'talk'. As a kid you know that can never go well. I wasn't sure what was going on at all. So they sat us down, and after telling us this long-winded story, they said that they wanted to live apart for a while. My mum would stay at the house, with my brother and I, and my dad would be living with my uncle, a good 45 minute drive away. 

My brother, being a boy, showed his feelings through anger, and stormed out the room. Me, being a girl, waited a while after he had left, and thought about what I had just heard. My parents had never shown signs of being unhappy, except for the occasional argument about something that wasn't important. So it came as a shock to hear this. I always feel more weak when my brother is gone, because he would always back me up, support me, and just be there for me. I tried to show no weakness to my parents, even though I was about to cry. And then I got to the point where I couldn't hold it in, and I ran upstairs and sat crying on my bed. 

Every emotion just came out, and thought about every good time my family had had together. And then I went through the same situations, and removed my father. It just wasn't right. I had no idea what was going on between my parents, they hadn't properly informed us, so I started thinking of the worst. And, as you can imagine, more tears came out. My father did come upstairs, and said he had to go. Not just go and come back for dinner. Go and stay away. 

After he left, and the next few days I just kept thinking, 'How could they do something like that to us!?'. Your parents are your support system, always together and happy, and when they break down, you do too. I just kept feeling sad and sad, and I wouldn't do much with my time which left me to feel even more sad and sorry for myself.

So if you are going through anything similar, I just have one piece of advice. Don't let it take over. Do other things, be productive, and it will take your mind away from what's going on. Seeing friends, setting tasks or just getting out of the house can help you feel better.  I wish I had realised that before, but it seems so obvious now. I resorted to music for a bit too. But don't listen to that soppy stuff, that will just make you cry, listen to happy, upbeat music, and I can assure you that it will make you feel better.

Sorry for a rather long post, but I wanted to get the beginning out completely. I know that my situation then wasn't too bad, and some people are going through much more. But when it happens to you, it seems like the worst thing in the world. 

I hope this has helped someone out there, and in my next blog post tomorrow I will continue my story.

Love Sian :) x

Tuesday, 22 October 2013

Introduction | 22/10/2013

I'm not really sure where to start. I'm completely new to blogging, and honestly I got the idea to start a blog from my mum. Over the past year a lot of things have happened in my life, and my mother has been the person to listen to it all (yep all my complaints, worries etc.). So either because she wanted me to stop making her sit down and listen to my worries, or she just thought it would be useful, she thought I should start a blog. So here I go...

My name is Sian, and I live in England. I'm a teenager, so obviously still in school, but not in sixth form yet. My main interests are sport (lacrosse, netball and athletics), music and art. I play the piano, violin, ukulele and guitar. I absolutely ADORE art, it is by far my favourite subject in school, and I might post some pictures of some of my artwork, with tips and stuff.

I don't really have a favourite music artist, but I have a playlist with all my favourite songs, including Royals by Lorde, Counting Stars by One Republic and Pompeii by Bastille. If you haven't heard any of these songs, I recommend you search them up.

Another growing interest of mine is Film & Media. I've always loved editing movies, making videos for my friends, and experimenting my basic digital camera. I never really knew I had an interest till my mum forced me to go on a Film & Media Camp. I absolutely loved it, and learnt a lot! So with the knowledge I gained from that camp, I'm going to buy a proper DSLR camera, and experiment with more filming techniques. I think I've finally decided to consider it as a job option in the future. But I'm not the kind of person to decide what I want to do so early, so it's just an OPTION :)

That's really it for me, I can't think of anything else at the moment. 

I'm always open to tips about blogging, advice and comments on my blogging. I really want to make this as interesting and relatable as possible, so feel free to tell me what you think.

Have a nice (rest of) Tuesday :D

Love Sian xox